[Saturday//19:33pm] the last time i'm writing in this journal. this was taken from my new journal. the people who wanted me to add them have already been added. just look for a new screenname on yr friends list. much love to matthew and manda, no doubt, but, how come when they have their six month anniversary so many people are all over it, but when i have mine with corey awhile ago, it's no big deal? the only people who cared about it was corey and i? jealousy? i suppose, but it's actually more of i'm pissed off. we DON'T even work at keeping our relationship going, it just does. we don't even fucking see each other, and when we do, it's after our six month anniversary, and i consider that such a big deal, but once they do, they see each other what seems like all the fucking time, and it's a big deal. it hurts. why do i feel like we don't get supported because people don't think we're "cute" or anything. fuck that. seriously. i'm so done with people walking over me and my boyfriend, and so much more. i'm so fucking done with it. we get treated like shit from every corner, and we're still together. this obviously means we're not going to not be together, so i figure everyone just get fucking used to it. just because everyone seems to be trying to break us, then you know, fuck you all. these obstacles are fucking NOTHING baby, we have the world at our fucking feet and we're taking advantage of it. we're fucking in love, and we're not about to loose it. it's funny how much we love each other, but no one can find that cute, but everyone else can find manda and matt soo fucking cute. granted they are, but you know so are we. and we've even been through a lot of shit that they didn't have to deal with, i.e. the not seeing each other for at least 6+ months at a time. we have so much fucking dedication it's un fucking deniable. so seriously, i'm just so done with people trying to bring us down. we're not going to be torn apart. the fucking end. 8 waited

[Friday//18:51pm] you all have 2 days to delete this journal from yr friend list. i have a new one, for those interested. otherwise, oh well, and toodeloo. 6 waited

[Sunday//15:54pm] is there any reason for me to keep this? does anyone actually read it? 10 waited

[Wednesday//17:48pm] yo sup bitches. 8 month anniversary today. amazing. i got 2 cds, a beautiful letter, a drawing... AND A MOTHER FUCKING RING. yeah. in yr face world. 2 waited

[Sunday//19:28pm] ( had yourself a crazy lover ) waited

[Saturday//22:45pm] i really truely miss you, and i'm sorry for everything bad that happened today. i know, it's hard and all, not talking during the school week, but once we get used to it, i promise you it will get easier. everything will be easier, soon enough baby. and i can't wait until i go to prom with you this year, it's going to be amazing. we're amazing. and i miss you. and i love you so much. with my entire self. goddamnit, i'm just really sorry for everything. 4 waited

[Friday//21:51pm] sometime this week or next, i will officially start the working world. and yes, by working world, i do mean with a job. michael's, baby, here i come. it's going to be somewhat interesting seeing what kind of people i end up working with, but what's good. i got a paying job, and i am excited. less then exciting, until the end of september i can't use the phone during the school-week. but it's all good. unlimited weekends, fo'sho. school has been different lately. talking to new people, and finding new people in old friends. it's fun. i love it. i really love looking around and seeing things in an entirely new perspective. feeling. it's great. i actually don't enjoy school, but how fast the day goes, it's amazing. i love it. my gym class especially. mr keimel is the best, and that is the end of that. i love music. i love how i listen to these ultra obscure no one will ever know, but in given time, they will eventually love. seriously, tv on the radio. my sarcasm level has been on an all time high. love it, bia. and i love the fact that i have a PLAYDATE on sunday with scotty2hotty and it's going to be hawt seckz. minus the seckz, just hair-cutting, dying, and playing. playing is always fun, and i haven't done that in quite some time. oh, and what's really bad [lajja!!!] with parents going into letters and finding out that i did go to mass. no grounding for that though, suprisingly. just no trust. no trust=no shows, and no shows=me saving money. which, in the long run, works out alright. he's coming down as soon as he gets enough money. he almost has enough, so for the time being we write letters to each other every week and it's fun. i love recieving mail. and it's funny to read them and smile, they make me happy. he makes me happy. six letters. WHAT BOY EVER WROTE HIS GIRLFRIEND ONE LETTER EVERY DAY FOR SIX DAYS?! yeah, obviously not yours. or the boyfriend you never had. i love the way people INSIST on giving me dirty looks and talk shit behind my back, but it's cool, because i love knowing that everyone insists on paying attention to me. what did i ever do to deserve all this [positive and negative] attention?! haha. whatever. it's all good. sneha, thank you for opening the door for me, it was nice of you. i have a back-ache. i love capri sun. i love angel for being the sweetest black boy ever, and i love giving him cookies every day at lunch, and him making the coolest little packages out of the packaging. angel, you are the most amazing black boy ever! thank you for being that cool, and just so much fun to sit with at lunch. oh, and i suprisingly LOVE my lunch table. drama, gaby, and a shitload of me not following anything. i love it, and i probably will love it until the end of the school year. which, will be the most amazing thing ever. i'll have my license, and i don't have an eighth period so i'm just going to be going home every day for early d. holler at that. i can't wait until fourth marking period, it's going to be amazing. i have to just get through these marking periods, and stupid me never handing in some sort of summer reading means i have to work my tail off in english. that's the only class i have too, since i have the easiest classes in the world this year. well, so far. we'll see how it is. oh, and i truely adore my boyfriend. after these past two incredibly long weeks, he has given me the support and confidence that tomorrow will be better. he's just so damned lovely. and seriously, who doesn't love a boy who can fit into size four girl jeans at american eagle, and rock them better then any girl will ever, because of the simple fact he has a fatty. ladies and gentlemen of the jury, i admit, my boyfriend has a fatty. and i love it. oh, and i love it very well. thank you, and goodnight. ps: i'm going to florida november 22nd.. or october 22nd. i think november. whatever. so let's hope florida doesn't float away, so i can go somewhere and get really fucking puerto rican looking. cause god knows, i need to fucking tan. 4 waited

[Monday//20:29pm] can i be pregnant ALTHOUGH i did get my period already? my mom truely thinks i am... in other words i don't do the internet during school week, i'll be back friday. whoo-yah. i'll have picture to show as well. uhm. i have blonde in my hair for those who don't know. and uhm, that's about it. peace. waited

[Monday//9:42am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | for meg. ] i absolutely cannot express how sad i am right now. it's been over six days since i actually had a conversation. just a conversation. with him. with the only person that can truely make me the happiest little girl ever. i can't talk to him until wednesday. it hurts. terribly. i feel like crying. i cried last night. it hurts so much. i made him a package. there are so many things, emotions i want to convey in words, but it never comes out. nothing ever comes out right. why is it that i'm just so at ends with everything right now? all i have is music, paper and a pen. that is my only communication between me and him. and i wish, i just wish i could hear his beautiful voice. i wish i could see him, but i don't care much about that. i care more about just having a plain conversation with him. that's the only thing i need right now. i feel so incomplete. so incompetent. i want to just drown myself. i hate feeling this way, i hate bitching about it like i have, but it hurts. and i don't think anyone truely knows how much it does hurt until they are actually in this situation themselves. --- i need stamps. i have so many packages to send out. so goddamned many packages. i've worked hard on all of them too. i hope i get some in return. it's always nice to get mail. i love mail. it's a calming point in my life. my mother wants me to go to sears with her, and i'm thinking i might as well waste an hour with her. or i could stay home and talk to corey. i don't know. it's just too many options. i wish i could go, but then again i want to really stay home and talk to him. i don't know what to do. if i go, i'll get clothes, if i don't go, i'll talk to corey. i really need clothes, seeing as how i'm starting to wear the same things over and over again. i'm not even positive i'll be getting some, with the way my mother is lately. but she's letting me drive. but driving to sears, i am so close to the new jersey turnpike. and from there it's only three hours and forty-five minutes to his house. and just being that close makes me upset. i wish i could just take today and drive up there. my mom would never let me drive there. she wouldn't drive up there, either. and that's upsetting as well. i wish he were here. see, everything always comes back to him. goddamn how i miss him. there's nothing more to say. 1 waited

[Sunday//16:12pm] does anyone truely know the genius of "whenever you see fit" by 764 HERO and modest mouse? i really don't think so. although, it is a terribly long song, it's gorgeous. the round is just gorgeous. the clashing of the smooth voice and the rough voice. it's perfect. the guitar, the drums. it's beautiful. it's drowsy, it's melodic, it's meloncholy, it's perfect. you know, kids should learn to appreciate these songs a lot more. you go to bed early, and you'll talk to your pillow. --- there's just so much you can say in half an hour. i finally got to talk to corey, and it was amazing. i missed his voice, and i missed everything about him, and i finally got to say hello and it was beautiful. he said he loved me more times then i can count on my toes and my fingers. stuff like that makes me truely happy. i truely feel blessed to have him. he's perfect. he's everything all wrapped up into one. he's special. he's just.. goddamn amazing. i love him. --- i need more songs that fit into an autumn mood. so far i have: 001. The Sea and Cake- The Leaf 002. Do Make Say Think- White Light Of 003. Fiona Apple- Across The Universe [cover] 004. Magnetic Fields- 100,000 Fireflies 005. The Notwist- Trashing Days 006. 764 HERO and Modest Mouse- Whenever You See Fit 007. The Sea and Cake- All The Photos any suggestions? --- My neck is killing me, seeing as how I've been online trying to put this mix cd all together, it's not helping. I tried to nap, but I can't sleep. It's already 4 though.  It's windy and cold outside. And it certainly is beginning to feel like Autumn. All in all, I'm excited because this weather is not only enchanting, but it's clean. It smells different too. It has an almost richness too it that you can't even explain. The days are going to be getting shorter, and the sun will be setting sooner, and that's exciting. The leaves are starting to fall down already and it's gorgeous. I can't wait to start wearing sweaters and bundling up, wearing longer skirts, and just being happy. Autumn always seems to make me so happy. It's just a gorgeous season. My favorite season. I am terribly excited about it, and I cannot wait.  October is coming around too, and I love Halloween. It's always been a favorite holiday of mine. And soon enough, the winter season will come and I will be stuck wearing bulky clothes, that are nice. But, Autumn. Does anyone want to go walking in Princeton anytime between now and November? It'll be gorgeous. Everything seems so much nicer in Autumn. Goddamn, I'm excited. Sweaters and scarves are soon going to be coming out of their summer hiding places. 2 waited

[Saturday//15:51pm] i have a new screen name assholes. so if you want it, comment here. if not, then so be it. waited

[Saturday//13:13pm] they should have an instrumental version of american hearts. k? k.

[Saturday//12:14pm] There has been a lot going through my mind as of lately. I can't get it off my chest either, for fear people who shouldn't read it will and show it to people who also shouldn't be reading it.  If that makes sense at all, which I am doubting it a lot.  I am thinking back to a lot of things, and a lot of things that are coming on.  So much stress has been put on my shoulders in just the past two weeks, and I wish I just never went to school. So Friday, I faked being sick and I didn't go to school.  It ultimately resulted in me actually getting sick, and here I sit, sick.  So, my mom promised to look at private schools for me to switch into.  Anyone go to Bishop A.?  I really want to go there for some sick reason, but I don't know.  Anyone else go to any other schools I could possibly go to, because quite frankly, I cannot stand public school, or better yet, Franklin, for the life of me. --- I have once again rediscovered my old friends binge and purge.  Self image has become something of a priority in my life, so I'm rapidly loosing weight in which I have gained over the past year.  It feels nice to look at my stomach and see it not as bulging as it was back in August, but it's still there.  I will not be happy until I am stick-thin, and this is not a cry for help, or some sympathy bullshit.  This is me writing in my journal telling it like it is.  I don't care if it's not healthy, I'll be ignorant to the fact I am slowly killing myself, and do as I please. --- My mother went through some of my letters I wrote to Corey and she found one that I hadn't sent, sealed and what-not, and read it while I was at school. It talked about us making love.  Of course, finding out your daughter is not a virgin is shocking, but to  find out through a letter? It's even worst.  Just to make matters worst, the letter also goes on to bashing my mother.  Needless to say I am not allowed to talk to Corey for a week, meaning by next Wednesday we will be talking again.  She talked to Corey, and being the most amazing boyfriend he is, he told her yes, we did "sleep together."  She cried on the phone saying all she wants is a better mother/daughter relationship which I am all for. --- I took pictures in school and developed the negatives.  I'll be making prints on Tuesday considering Monday we have off.  It's nice to have a day off, but not nice to know that I won't be able to talk to my baby for the entire day.  Oh, I really truely do miss him, and when I miss him I feel hopeless and lost, and it's not because I live for him, it's because he's the only damn person who I talk to constantly who makes me feel wonderful and beautiful and loved.  I cannot say the same for many of the people I've known for the past year.  These people make me feel terrible and disgusting.  I am not longer accepted into this whole little "group."  I don't feel as though I ever was.  It's not fair how much I am going through with no one to talk too.  Everyone is too concerned with the petty things in life to actually take a gander around and look at what is really happening to the people who they consider their friends. --- This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody, except my own confusion. 4 waited

[Wednesday//15:25pm] i really do have the best guy friend and boyfriend. ever. the end. 1 waited

[Sunday//10:52am] today is going to be fucking wonderful.

[Saturday//20:02pm] DID I MENTION I GOT MY PERIOD TODAY!? WELL YEAH I DID. waited

[Saturday//8:59am] FRIENDS CUT. IF I TOOK YOU OFF, DONT ASK ME WHY. JUST PROCEED TO TAKE ME OFF. THE END.

[Friday//15:21pm] There aren't many people in someone's life who is going to leave their mark on them. Such as Sneha did, I'm going to write something about each of them. I don't need people telling me to find my own idea either, because fuck it. I'll do what I fucking want, so don't tell me otherwise. ( Matty Cee. ) ( Scotty 2 Hotty ) ( Corey Alan Macattack!!! ) ( Manda Banana ) ( Jonbrah 3000 ) ( Allison.. the classiest girl I know ) 4 waited

[Friday//15:21pm] I GIVE BLOWJOBS! HAHAH MY MOM SAID SO! SUP!? edit: so what else are you going to tell my mom? hahaha its funny you talk shit about me behind my back TO MY MOTHER. what you don't think i'm not going to find out? and seriously, that's fucked up. i held you to secrecy on some. hahaha. wow. 3 waited

[Friday//15:21pm] everyone miss me? i doubt it highly. but okay, so this week has been school. terribly boring, but of course. first day i came home and had an anxiety attack. changed schedules. so i don't have science this year. skipped w/ some peoples on wednesday cause i am oh so cool. my mom took the phone away for the weekend because of the phone bill. not like i made it so high, but whatever. she has to has some sort of scapegoat. the rest of the week i only have 8-9pm which means corey's prime time. uhm. yeah not like anyone else ever calls me yesterday, with the exception of marlon. i got cute mail this week. my boyfriend is just incredible. i hate 6L more than anything. it is incredibly lame. i sort of wish i stayed with my 4L. but whatever. cest la vie! school this year will be a breeze. i just wish the year was over. i'm sort of sick and tired of the constant again. whatever. i always have a way to switch it up. i'm going to gym on monday. i think i got my period. but i have a tampon stuck in my vag so i'm not going to take it out and check. oooooh i'm making another mix. waited

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